Will I, or Won't I?

My addictions are commonly accepted: food, sugar, over-doing hobbies, internet research, ebay shopping (but not overspending), facebooking. They are addictions nonetheless. As I embark once again on the journey to freedom from them, I am reminded this morning that the freedom " from" is also a freedom "to" all of the wonderful aspects of a full relationship with Christ in which I am able to soar into the realm of being all that He created me to be.

Sounds wonderful, and it will be. However, I touched on the fact, in a previous post, that life without my addictions will be scary at first. The second phase is loneliness. These "friends" have held my hands through so many harsh realities of life, the worst of which was my miscarriage. They have numbed me to the effects of failure, real and perceived, and to feelings of abandonment and loss that overwhelm me when relationships falter or go away. They have been there for me. They have also smothered the life out of my life.

Yesterday, as I worked to peek my way out from under them, I was reminded for the millionth time that walking the tightrope of life without the net of my addictions ushers in something else: the whole flood of emotions and issues that the addictions were numbing come roaring back. They must be dealt with, or back into the addictions I'll go. At times I have thrown my resolve STRAIGHT up into the air and run pell mell back into the circus of my addictions. Other times, I have held a mask of prayer and piety in one hand while edging backwards into the mire. I backed my way into them so slowly, I tried not to notice myself!

This whole struggle is about whether or not I will surrender my life to Jesus. Will I lay it down for the Lord's use? Will I eagerly seek to hear the Holy Spirit and follow Him? It's really that simple. Each time a complicated emotion surges to the surface, I can CHOOSE whether or not to go to God in prayer for healing and direction.

The Birds Sang...and the Saw Grated...and I Was Glad!

I took a short nap just now. Upon awakening, I asked God to show me that He loves me. After all, most of my addiction/freedom work is a slow slag through the mud of self-recrimination (can I get an "Amen" here). I'm now ensconced on my back deck, listening to the birds, watching the sunlight filter through the willow birch and crepe myrtle trees, and taking in the grating sounds of some sort of carpentry work one street over.

I laughed when I pulled up my deck chair...chuckling that, instead of the full-on glory of nature, I would be treated to that infernal saw noise. Pretty quickly, though, I thought about what a gift work is. What a gift! How wonderful to hold a tool in your hand and to know, at day's end, that ya did something profitable in some way. Just one more of God's blessings. What a gift to hold a computer in your lap and to write something that encourages someone. What a gift to swing a broom and treat someone to a clean house at the end of their school or work day. What a gift to work very hard all day and to then, at days end, rest very contentedly.

I want to come out of the half-light of addiction-hobbled living and take whatever days I have left, wringing them dry of their juicy joy, angst, or whatever they bring! I want to leave each day exhausted of any and all opportunities to serve God, enjoy Him, and learn from and experience the world around me. I have been very blessed my whole life. I do not expect that to change!

Today I choose to live. I made a promise to myself last night. When thoughts of regret come, I will dismiss them without a conversation. If the regret is coupled with a dilemma that past action or inaction has created, I will look at it as a challenge for God to help me solve, an opportunity to watch His creative care at work, and to be a part of it. If the regret involves something I cannot change, I will focus my mind on one of the millions of good things God has provided for me to think about! There is so much good to focus on! With Jesus in my life, there always will be.

Problems shall henceforth be challenges to be approached creatively!

What Will Life Be Like?

What will life be like without my many addictions (food, especially sugar, facebook, internet surfing, craft supply hoarding, certain types of crafts, ebay shopping)? It will be terrifying. At first. What will it be like a few days in? Lonely. My addictions are like friends who hold my hands, shielding me right and left from negative emotions. Like WELL MEANING friends who, ultimately, shield me from really living. They form a barrier to my true calling (writing). They stop me from enjoying friends, barring the door to my home, convincing me that they offer all of the comfort and fulfillment of a roomful of human companions. They shout at me from all corners to ignore the lure of career fulfillment. After all, they'll NEVER reject me. "Don't run the risk!" They scream at all hours. "We come risk-free! You know us. You know we would never hurt you! Keep your mind on us. We are guaranteed to please. We won't fail you."

But they HAVE hurt me. They have damaged my physical and emotional health. They have stunted my development as a human being. They have robbed me of something as basic as sunshine on a beautiful day as I feverishly serve their demands. I want to be free.

I want a new addiction: following the leading of the Holy Spirit. Working hard to achieve the priorities He sets for me. Letting my hobbies fall to the fringes of my world. They won't go away. I'll enjoy them even more in the proper perspective. I am going to search the scriptures for the tools I need to be free. Tune in tomorrow!